You are leaving your father’s house, dressing in a white gown, as a symbol of a blessed bride, so you may return to your mother’s house only if you are dead and wrapped in a white robe! This is an Iranian proverb about divorce which has been deeply cultivated in every Iranian woman’s mind to discourage and forbid the separation. Although not prohibited entirely, divorce is still strongly discouraged and disapproved in Iranian culture and traditionally favors the husband who has the right to ask for divorce. Unarguably nowadays that society has shifted people’s awareness about the equal rights between men and women and women are more educated and have increased their financial empowerment, divorce is not considered as taboo anymore. Raised in Iranian family and brought up in that culture and community, I got married with a hope that I will never look back due to a separation. However, faith is daring a soul to experience the unknown which eyes are not able to see. I got married at a very early age, desperately right after I turned 18, and it was not an arranged marriage. Despite all the oppositions from both of our families, our 13 years age differences, opposite brought up cultures and family classes, different level of education and our incompatibility overall, I unapologetically claimed what I have fought for, Love!
Being an achiever, I would fight for everything I desired and would pay the full price for. As a matter of fact, I never look at Victory as an option, it was my identity tattooed in every single cells of my body. Failure never had any meaning in my dictionary of life till three years ago that I filed a petition for a divorce, ended 17 years of a love marriage and admitted that I failed eventually. I failed because it took me 17 years to realize that though Divorce is the last option to stop the suffering, it is the best remedy for certain untreatable pains. I failed because it took half of my lifetime to understand that Love is not possessions. Love is not a control. Love is not based on an emotional, physical, or financial codependency. Love does not approve your suffocation so your partner could breath. Love does not encourage you to hush so your partner could holler louder. Love does not invite you to burn till your last drop so your partner’s light shines brighter. Love does not mean to sacrifice your identity to give your partner a personality. I finally recognized that to Love, you must be courageous enough to admit to your failures. To love you must accept your flaws and your vulnerabilities. You must accept that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness but it is a daring state of mind that you’re an imperfect human being full of limitations and that is acceptable to make mistakes but what is not acceptable is to persist in your ignorance and repeat those patterns of toxic cycles over and over. My marriage took a heavy emotional toll on me, which I needed it the most to recognize my failures as a brick stone of a bridge built to overcome my fears step by step, to acknowledge my weaknesses one by one, to address my unmet needs by myself, and forgive and honor myself for who I am with all my faults so that smoothed my path to a true glory.