Journeys

Yesterday was my birthday. I had so much fun for last couple of weeks that I want to take this chance and say how appreciated I feel in my birthday every year when I reflect back and analyze the whole year with all events and people in my life.

I am very grateful to have my supportive family specially my mom by my side who is acting like my guardian angel and always reminding me that I am protected. I am blessed for my beautiful, healthy, caring and wise kids who teach me a lesson every day. By looking at them growing older, wiser, more independent, and being themselves, I realize that change is the only constant we must accept in life. I am so thankful to have couple of quality amazing real freinds who proved me blood makes you related but loyalty makes you family. And at last but not the least, I’m very lucky to find love of my life, who proved me love starts when you start loving yourself first, then to that degree you will find a courage to love someone else. He showed me that love means to help your partner achieve their goals and dreams by encouraging them, by believing in them and by being on their sides.

And as I always say, I stay positive and I will trust the process and I know that if something is meant to be mine, it never passes me by

Life is always getting twisted as I get closer to my birthday month. This twist is not necessarily a bad thing as life is always full of surprises. Some of these surprises exceed our expectations and some merely happen to change our system of beliefs, our values, or our direction in life. Regardless, these events are always a reminder that opposite but interconnected events are here for us to realize the values of what we have or we lack in life. Conflict is an inevitable piece of our destiny indicating nothing is permanent. Everything including our own emotions are temporary. Good days and bad days will happen but they will pass. Illness and disease exist so we appreciate our health. Failures are steps to lead us to victory. Challenges are lessons so we learn and improve. Blessings are rewards for our strengths and determination. Overall, life is a purposeful path if we give the meaning to each step. So let’s contemplate and reflect to become a better version of ourselves by being humble, thoughtful, grateful, and staying balanced. Happy Thanksgiving!

In search of love, I feel I found myself. It seems that when you search for something for too long with no results, you get used to the process so much that you forget about the main reason for your quest as the journey itself is the purpose with no clear destination to arrive. Sometimes this journey will take you to the unknown direction that your imagination couldn’t even help you reveal the path. So, you’re left with no option than just move forward as there is no way to go back. Apparently, some of us get too focused to choose the shortest, safest, and correct path to achieve Love that we neglect to enjoy the thrills, adventures, excitement and changes this journey of life could bring to us. Maybe there is not any destination to begin with yet the passage itself is the whole purpose, the purpose of knowing yourself, overcoming your fears, claiming your dreams, acknowledging your powers and loving yourself for who you are.

As change is the only constant in our journey of life, we must cherish the transformation if we long to grow to a better version of ourselves. This transformation is not easy. There are many internal and external resistances to change as change is not familiar. There are many unknown obstacles we need to discover, to explore, to dig in further. There are many voids, limitations, and shortcomings we need to conquer if we seek further. This is a mysterious hunt for true love. I still believe that in search of true love, you must unapologetically love yourself with all your faults and strengths. In pursuing that, you will attract those people who vibrates at your level to your path. Though every encounter doesn’t guarantee the lasting forever, it can be your steppingstone to accelerate further. Now imagine, that you’re lucky enough to meet those souls who make the path more smooth and pleasant to travel together. They are not ahead of you, not running behind your back but travelling at the same speed as yours, right by your side.

Although life has been a rough road for me so far, and I had to change many directions to just keep moving, I’ve noticed all the shifts and adjustments were meant to happen leading me to a better place. A safe, familiar, and comfortable place of self-awareness where you find peace, serenity, stillness and start to understand the meaning of love not only loving yourself but anyone or anything which is connected in this circle of lives….

Struggling to choose between my heart and my mind, I am fighting a never-ending battle of dare or the truth. To give unconditionally and ask for nothing or keep yourself reserved and your guards up to avoid the harm. To forgive regardless of who is at fault and move on or staying stubborn to prove who is wrong or right? To wait patiently for the unknown outcome or just giving up and moving forward.

I am still searching, an infinite hunt! As nothing seems to be an absolute blunt, I am trying to find what is true for me or helpful in a sense that would shape my reality. A reality that ensures my happiness, my abundance, and my health. Isn’t it that every moment that we breath is the moment of truth if we could truly feel it, trust it, and appreciate it?

I am seeking balance in my life, in my heart, in my mind and in my soul. But what is balance? How I should frame it as an art. If I had an option to paint it, which shades I would select. If I must have described it, what tale I would tell.

I start envisioning. Perhaps a painting full of bright summer colors, not overly used but spreading over the entire piece exhibiting the coherent mixes of natural beauties!

Alas! Those who are not the devotee of my selections would question my collections. They may reject my art as it is too bright. Then I’ll change the theme and go to the shades of black and white carefully selected in equal measure to create a pure harmony and transparency. Surly some, fearful of darks might say it is too dull! I go even deeper with more retouch on details, but small aspects are too much for a pointless sense to realize. So I’m having the same dilemma again as why my happiness becomes someone else’s sorrow? Why if I shall gain, someone must lose? Is that the truth or just a delusion? The moment of enlightening or a deception. Why can’t we meet somewhere in between, a win-win approach, between you and me! Finding a balance to compromise, not to fall in love but strive to rise. Then I tell myself enough is enough walking on the clouds, you better come down and face the reality as harsh as it sounds. Balance is not what others impose on you. Balance doesn’t mean to live others’ narratives to fit in avoiding conflicts and disagreements. Balance is not a unified size fitting all. Balance is what you believe is true for you and is working for you. Balance is when you feel content regardless of people’s judgment or circumstances you deal with. Balance is when you freely choose when to push forward or to retreat and pull back. Balance means you must go with the flow without fighting to prove yourself to anyone. Balance means to love fearlessly, to claim your right unapologetically, and to live with those beliefs you believe is right.

Surprisingly today, I saw a beautiful red Rose picked his head out of bushes in a hardest ever place for a plant to grow. I do not even remember if I had planted any rose seeds in my front yard little garden. However, recently I have challenged myself that I am going to spend some time on my little garden making sure it is always clean, trimmed, watered and the soil is rich. I challenged myself to keep the things I have already had in place, but I was gifted as a surprise with this beautiful red rose which could have been there under the soil for many years but due to my negligence of nourishing the soil, watering the plants and basically ignoring the garden it never had a chance to blossom.

As I grow older, I have realized that nothing is more precious than the time and energy that you willingly would give to something or someone if you wish for them to blossom as a beautiful flower in your life.  And the most important of all is your inner child who needs to blossom as a beautiful flower within you. I have noticed that majority of us due to many factors such as family’s expectations, social requirements and even our small association with our close circle of friends and community, we are all somehow bounded to get stuck to where we are and forget the real person who we are with all the great potentials and strengths we have in within, and we try to please everyone and their expectations and basically neglecting ourselves and our needs.

Sometimes even we are stepping further insisting in our negligence that we expect if we fix something external, our internal world will change for better. That is why many people who suffer from being overweight would go through intense exercise schedules and keep up with it only for a short period of time and do not get the results they wished for and easily give up. On the other hand, many of us choose the shortcut and we accept the pain and spend thousands of dollars to do the cosmetic surgery to change what we can alter and still not satisfied. Some of us choose the distractions instead and rely on drugs, drinking, parting overnights so we may tolerate the discomfort for a little longer. However, the reality is that all these quests for seeking happiness in surface in an external world, is acting just as you are taking a painkiller for your pain which treats the symptoms for a while, but it never cures the illness or treat the actual dilemma.

Spending more time and energy on yourself does not mean to be boring. I am a fan of partying, socializing, travelling, and experiencing new adventures in life; however, you must be aware of many distractions in life which are just a temporary relief or a break from a reality that you have to encounter eventually. A reality that something within you needs true attention. Your inner child is neglected and needs to be acknowledged. It is giving you a hint that you are the one and only one who must meet your unmet needs. You must dedicate more time and energy to yourself and your inner child so you could clear your mind from all negative self-talks, to trim all your thoughts from toxic cycle of patterns such as procrastinations, self-sabotages, and self-doubts to feed your brain with positivity and new ideas to explore, to nourish your body with healthy food, water, and regular exercises so you could love and appreciate yourself for who you are and discover the surprises within you which could be offered to this world as a beautiful rose in my garden.

I am a survivor. A survivor of COVID-19. I am a 42 year old woman. Mother of 12 years old daughter and a wife to a brave heart man who proved to me that love never dies, and real men still exist. I was an ordinary person, being in fair shape and health, living my life as a wife and a mother, maintaining my sanity while supporting my family by working part time as a kindergarten teacher in Tehran. I have my bachelor’s degree in psychology but always blamed my family, my marriage and my husband’s opposition for not pursuing my dream to continue my education and open my own business as a licensed therapist.

But now after fighting an unfair battle of life vs. death, lots of things have changed my perspective and my system of beliefs. My survival has been a rebirth. I was very unsatisfied with all I had in my life and constantly focusing on things that I never had or could not achieve. I was absolutely blind and ungrateful to all blessings I had in my life and I was taking them for granted.  

It was towards end of January and the country was approaching the 40th anniversary of Republic Islamic Revaluation of Iran Holiday when my husband came home from work very exhausted and down with sever flu symptoms. As stubborn as he was, he continued going to work with no rest or a single checkup with a doctor that entire week. Couple of days later, the same symptoms were showing up on me with some mild coughs and headaches and a very odd burning sensation in my eyes. I went to a Clinique close to my house the next day as I did not want to be down for coming holidays. The doctor diagnosed me with flu and prescribed some vitamins and painkillers to moderate the symptoms.

 I remember it was Thursday night that my symptoms got drastically worsen that I ended up going back to the same Clinique two more times in 7 days period. Getting ready for a long weekend, I was wrapping up work early that day, running some errands, picking up my daughter from school, rushing towards home, I was expecting guests coming over for dinner. Next day, we even decided to travel out of town to enjoy our holiday weekend as much as possible. Although I was controlling my fever and symptoms with pain killers, towards the night, they got aggravated that we returned home and went to the same doctor for the third time. Sitting in waiting room, I saw a lady with similar symptoms as mine along with nonstop vomiting. I overheard the nurses saying this lady was here for fourth time and it appears the doctor cannot help her.  Long story short, I called my mom who is a retired registered nurse and asked her if she knows a good doctor to refer. eventually I met the right doctor after 8 days of fighting with wide range of symptoms such as sever coughs and high chills and fever, intolerable headache and muscle ache and annoying itchy eyes. I never forget the doctor’s first impression when he saw me in that state and told me “I hope you’re not having what I’m thinking about! However, due to your current weak immune system and the overall situations in hospitals, I recommend you go back home and get these IV’s done and rest. If you develop some shortness of your breath or any difficulty in breathing, you must admit yourself to the hospital immediately.” I went straight to my mom’s house as she is the one who could do IVs for me and take care of me. Unfortunately, due to some hidden politic propaganda and imminent 40th anniversary of Revolution, government has hidden the spread of coronavirus in country and postponed the declaration of mandatory quarantine after the holidays so ordinary people like us were absolutely unaware about the serious threat of this disease facing the country. Unfortunately, unintentionally I was exposed to many people including all my family members and friends during the first ten days of my exposure to the virus.

After couple of days of resting and getting those prescribed IVs, I dashed to ER as I couldn’t breathe due to sever coughs which was mixed with awful vomiting. Getting an x-ray done on my chest, doctor confirmed that more than 50% of my lungs are infected and I must get admitted to the hospital immediately. My husband paid for a private hospital as he was not trusting the system and he knows that money talks all the time. However, I have experienced the ugliest days of my life during my stay in one of the luxurious private paid hospitals in Tehran. I was not treated as a patient or just as a human but rather an ill alien who has an unknown disease deserving a death. I overheard the nurses are talking about me as “Corona Lady. She must be transferred otherwise we all get exposed to this virus. We’re not equipped.” With all due respect I have for all the doctors and nurses out there who are sacrificing their health and risk their life for all of us to stay safe, unfortunately I was treated inhumanly, very unfairly and basically, I was neglected.

Eventually, I was transferred to the public specialized hospital treating COVID-19 patients in Tehran. Although my country is unfortunately extremely ill equipped when it comes to the medicine and medical equipment, I went through a turmoil of emotions to realize that how my survival depended on different people with different intentions and work ethics regardless of their gender or religion. I experienced Corona with the most severe symptoms embodying the lung infection and fought almost 21 days with a fever above 39.5 centigrade. I was extremely in pain and no life without a ventilator that I was not even able to use bathroom on my own and nurses were so terrified to get close to me. My husband was the only one cleaning after me, changing my IV, and making sure that I am taking my medicine on time. I never forget those nights of fever and chills in hospital wishing to die from the pain and looking at my husband wrapped himself in his jacket sitting on a chair telling me that you can win this if you just desire to come back to me again.

I never forget those days he was quietly praying to his God that if one of us had to go please take me not my wife as my daughter needs a mom more than a dad. Then I was telling myself how selfish I am that I want to quit just because of a physical pain and neglecting my dearest and closest people who are going through a severe emotional pain. A pain that you see your loved one fading away in front of you and you cannot do anything about it and just staying hopeful. Now I understand that Corona was an awakening call for me. Another chance to come back to life and appreciate every single bit of what I have truly and fully.

I am married for more than 20 years now, but I admit unapologetically that after my battle with COVID-19, I have realized that love can get stronger and more valuable by-passing time. If you believe in your partnership and know that commitment is a full-time job working in a team of two focused on one mission to not giving up on each other regardless of all the hardship and struggles that both partners could go through, Love always wins. As we are all different individual with different love languages, I was always doubting his love, seeking to hear from him how much he loves me, but he proved in his own love language through his actions and his pure intentions that how much he cares about me, about our daughter, and about us. I have noticed that how my husband is stronger than me that he did not quit fighting for me and believed in me and my strength to survive even more than myself. I want to take this opportunity to thank all those doctors and nurses who fought rigorously and passionately, risking their own lives making sure the patients are taking care of regardless of all limitations and restrictions we had. I want to say that life is a great teacher and most precious present when you are a true believer, who know from bottom of your heart that you are never left alone, and you always will be protected and guided to make better choices in your life to reach your own highest good.

Dedicated to my best cousin, sister, friend and my buddy, Ideh.

I always believe in power of communication as prisoning ourselves in our thoughts in a room with a closed door and a thick wall as a barrier, we are basically starting a never-ending battle between us and our own reasoning which could be worthless, and regardless of how long we would continue the fight, we are the only one left suffering and buried.

On the other hand, communication is meaningless if we do not know how, when and to whom we should open up to. That is essentially the greatest skill which is requiring lots of research, knowledge, practice, and trust. Unfortunately, not everybody out there have the best interest in us or even the capabilities and the necessary expertise to understand us or empathize where we are coming from.

Since each of us are unique individual with different perceptions and level of knowledge and experience, our interpretations from the same events are even distinct and extraordinary. Now imagine how we can come up with just one way to resolve all our issues.  Trauma in Greek means wound. We should not deny that we all have our own wounds, some way too deep cultivated in our hearts and in our minds that we cannot feel them anymore. They have basically become one of our traits or impulses influencing our reactions towards the situations. That is why we sometimes even define ourselves as a limited person with some constrained labels such as short temper, angry, fearful, sensitive, controlling, crazy, detached, rigid and so on…

I hoped we could change our world that we would not get hurt anymore but reality is that trauma is inevitable. However, one of our greatest trait as human being is our adaptability and an ability to change ourselves and our responses to our circumstances. It is easier said than done especially if we have not undergone the trauma in that magnitude yet. However, observing and listening to other people’s story though more tolerable than going through the whole chaos, it will facilitate the process of coping and will prepare us with more useful tools, knowledge, and the community as a support so we could reach in time of needs.

Here at The Mystical Reflection, I am aiming to create an open, healthy, and dynamic community with an honest intention to educate ourselves and beloved ones of the problems and obstacles that we may encounter in our lives and to provide the approaches and possible solutions to address our issues so we could seek help to improve our mental health.

Chase love… Beg for love…Fight for love… Trade for love… Compromise and settle for less for love… Search for love…

Never do!

Just invite love to your heart and trust that it will show up right in time when you need it the most!

Love is not a mysterious riddle out there to be resolved. Love is not a rare treasure in a deserted island to be discovered. Love is not too far in an invincible zenith awaiting to be conquered.

Love has distinct connotation and definition for each of us as we are diverse players with unique traits and roles which we have agreed to participate in story of our lives. At age of 14^th, I was thinking Love means madness. At age of 18^th, I considered love as the means to control. However, at age of 38^th, I have realized Love is a revolution.

Love is your definition of something that you have experienced, or you expect it will happen. Love is written as a transcript and echoes once you read it out loud. Some notes carry sweet and some convey bitter expressions. You may laugh at some; you may cry with some. Some pieces are heartbreaking, some lifts you up. Once you feel it with all your senses, you will emulate your version of Love.  Hence, tackle each emotion of yours honestly and openly as you face a new chapter in your life; challenge your thoughts to broaden your horizon as you rearrange your focus to expand your entire vision.   Regardless of being right or wrong, your convictions shape your reality. Win your heart by conquering your thoughts. Love is your interpretation of the affair. So why don’t you design the scene as the ultimate spectacle you deserve?

Remember, Love is not a blaze to burn you down; it is an enduring flame to keep your heart warm and when the glow starts shining, let that light shines brighter and help others shine as well.

Happy Valentines!