Category: Journal

For many years, I was misinterpreting the simple concept of desire versus expectation which I’ve now realized that was a main reason of my impatience and agitation in my life. As a Sagittarian, I am an aimer, so I know what I desire and make an effort to achieve it at any price. However, as life is full of surprises, regardless of how focus and expert I am in my aiming skills, the target could move, hide or get vanished right in front of my eyes so I am left as a failed, disappointed, rejected seeker blaming myself as what could I’ve done wrong! Life has taught me lesson by lesson that although the outcome has not been desirable, it does not mean the whole process of aiming was at fault or the experience itself was a complete waste! It took me almost my entire 40 years of life to recognize that if I would replace the word of expectation with desire and accept the outcome regardless of its feasibility, success, or failure, then I will be able to manage my reactions more maturely towards those results.

When we have expectations in life, we usually want to control. We want to possess. Obviously, when those expectations are not met, or do not go the way we hoped, we feel that we have lost the power so we will end up feeling disappointed, discouraged, rejected and most of the time starting to doubt ourselves and our self-worth. However, if we understand that we are not here to control every aspects of our lives and learn to appreciate and accept the outcome regardless of its desirability, then we are more at peace with ourselves, with our relationships with others, and with our situation overall. In other words, once you are honest and confident with your intentions, options, choices, and your efforts, then you surrender yourself instead of being a slave to the result. Please do not confuse the word of surrender with a phrase to settle for less! I simply mean make your intentions virtuous, know what you exactly desire, communicate it honestly and openly and make your best attempts to achieve it and have a faith that you deserve the best and nothing less, then surrender to whatever is the end result as whatever happens is meant to happen. It may not mean to last forever, it may not mean to be easy, it may not mean to be pleasurable, but it meant to happen to teach you a lesson.  

In the beauty of truth, I wish you all my virtual and real friends a new year full of health, wealth, laughter, prosperity, and introspection to believe in yourself and your situations and regardless of all challenges and hardships that we’re all going through, believe that if “I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.” — Jimmy Dean

You are leaving your father’s house, dressing in a white gown, as a symbol of a blessed bride, so you may return to your mother’s house only if you are dead and wrapped in a white robe!  This is an Iranian proverb about divorce which has been deeply cultivated in every Iranian woman’s mind to discourage and forbid the separation. Although not prohibited entirely, divorce is still strongly discouraged and disapproved in Iranian culture and traditionally favors the husband who has the right to ask for divorce. Unarguably nowadays that society has shifted people’s awareness about the equal rights between men and women and women are more educated and have increased their financial empowerment, divorce is not considered as taboo anymore. Raised in Iranian family and brought up in that culture and community, I got married with a hope that I will never look back due to a separation. However, faith is daring a soul to experience the unknown which eyes are not able to see. I got married at a very early age, desperately right after I turned 18, and it was not an arranged marriage. Despite all the oppositions from both of our families, our 13 years age differences, opposite brought up cultures and family classes, different level of education and our incompatibility overall, I unapologetically claimed what I have fought for, Love!

Being an achiever, I would fight for everything I desired and would pay the full price for. As a matter of fact, I never look at Victory as an option, it was my identity tattooed in every single cells of my body. Failure never had any meaning in my dictionary of life till three years ago that I filed a petition for a divorce, ended 17 years of a love marriage and admitted that I failed eventually. I failed because it took me 17 years to realize that though Divorce is the last option to stop the suffering, it is the best remedy for certain untreatable pains. I failed because it took half of my lifetime to understand that Love is not possessions. Love is not a control. Love is not based on an emotional, physical, or financial codependency. Love does not approve your suffocation so your partner could breath. Love does not encourage you to hush so your partner could holler louder. Love does not invite you to burn till your last drop so your partner’s light shines brighter. Love does not mean to sacrifice your identity to give your partner a personality. I finally recognized that to Love, you must be courageous enough to admit to your failures. To love you must accept your flaws and your vulnerabilities. You must accept that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness but it is a daring state of mind that you’re an imperfect human being full of  limitations  and that is acceptable  to make mistakes but what is not acceptable  is to persist in your ignorance and  repeat those patterns of toxic cycles over and over. My marriage took a heavy emotional toll on me, which I needed it the most to recognize my failures as a brick stone of a bridge built to overcome my fears step by step, to acknowledge my weaknesses one by one, to address my unmet needs by myself, and forgive and honor myself for who I am with all my faults so that smoothed my path to a true glory.

Going against the norm was my weapon to tame my inner rebels as I was restless and seeking a satisfaction by creating something which I knew would raise majority’s opposition. Though feeding my appetite for attention and distinction was another fulfilling philosophy. I was always pleased to experience an unfair battle of life vs. me with an unshaken confidence that I will win as I believed I am a daring warrior. Surprisingly in my wrestling with life, I have noticed that Life has never been a fighter against me. In fact, life has been a loyal and compassionate coach who kept demonstrating to me and still does regardless of the duel I am dealing within.  Life has not been my wrestling coach. It’s been a dance teacher teaching me that it takes two to tango on a dance floor. No matter how hard I  tried to learn my balance or to make my lines perfect to  move my body in harmony with rhythms of this symphony of life, if my partner is not available, physically, emotionally, psychologically, or even if he is but not properly trained or compatible, my performance is just a vague illusion of some outdated choreography.   

As a first-born child in a family of four, I played a role of achiever early in childhood and later extended to a care giver role. I had always that urge of achieving more and obliged to be the number one in every area of my life regardless of the situation I was encountered in.  At the same time, I was compelled of being responsible for every human being entering in my life. Diving more into the root cause of my role selections, I have realized that I was growing up in a family that love and relationship were demonstrated absolutely different from what I’ve perceived as a divorced single mom at the age of 40.  

Victorious, I was a straight A student, received all the honors and certification of achievements available in variety of subject matters in school due to my great GPA and my involvement in social and community curriculum. Applied and won majority of the scholarships available, I have even accomplished the triumph for achieving to the first gate of Olympiads in math and philosophy. Extremely success driven, I have opened my own business at the age of 14 as a professional photographer and a videographer back in 1994 in Tehran. Considering all those restrictions, pressures, and unjust society norms against women in that ill-mannered male dominant environment, I was thriving for my identity, freedom, and independence as a young woman.    

As experiences shape our perceptions, I was growing and noticing that this chronic achiever disease I have developed throughout my life has been working amazingly in certain area of my life such as my education, my career path, my personal and professional growth but also had an adverse impact in other areas of my life such as my relationship with my significant others. Being an achiever and care giver, I was always under the impression that I am the one with all possible solutions for all existed problems. I am the one who should take a first step to fix and correct any raising issue, I must be the first rescuer  to jump in as a superwoman to save the person in  need as I was obliged to pay back something to control the situation. Genuinely I was feeling satisfied by giving in and being helpful and still do; however, there was always some inner voice asking WHY you are the only one who should always offer a hand? You may want to wait and give yourself and others a little bit of chance so they may speak their minds, their motives, and intentions. However, being expert at when to turn on or off the inner call switch, I was ignoring the call almost all the time.

It took me almost 20 years to realize that I must eventually unlearn certain traits I have learned throughout my life specially in relations with others. I must unlearn giving too much and not receiving in return in equal measure. I must unlearn sacrificing and compromising hoping things will change for better. I must unlearn to look at the full half of a glass all the time. I must unlearn to give people the validation they seek whenever they need. I must unlearn to be a people pleaser jeopardizing my own identity and integrity. I must unlearn being nice all the time. I gradually came to realization that once a cup is broken or has a deep crack; it never gets filled and remains empty regardless of my cup being full and pouring indefinitely and compassionately. Indeed, I will be the cup left depleted with a missing identity and wondering as what to offer anymore.

Getting comfortable with the imposed new lifestyle in quarantine, I was appreciating one of the sunny days of spring by early meditation and a long session of working out. Relaxing in my patio, indulging in my healthy snacks, reading my favorite book, asking a very odd question, I was reflecting as usual. Am I ready to leave if at this very peaceful moment of my life, Death is calling for me? Not sure of the cause for the question asked, paused for a moment but consciously I replied. Yes, I feel very content with love of my adorable monsters, my health, my wealth, and I am genuinely blessed that there’s nothing left that I wish I would’ve done differently or would have said it otherwise. Farewell is not easy specially with loved ones, but I must leave when the time comes. I kept reading my book and felt very satisfied with my responds.

As the hours were passing by, I received an awkward call from my mom back home, Iran. Though she was trying hard to hide her emotions or tell me the news in a way I won’t get shocked, she couldn’t resist and burst into tears that you must pray for your cousin is fighting for her life. I got frozen, unconscious for a while, begged my mom for the truth if she has gone already or still alive. Me and this cousin of mine are just two bodies with one soul and mind, very connected in hearts and in our thoughts regardless of the distance fate has set between us. My mom was sobbing that my cousin is diagnosed with COVID-19 battling her life for the last 20 days in hospital, and doctors have given up on her as her symptoms are worsening up. Trying to keep my balance, carrying my phone tightly, hearing my mom uninterruptedly, heading towards my room, I found myself in bathroom, feeling nausea, weeping as spring clouds, cursing Corona and the whole chaos, I received an unexpected text, from an ex, a player of all. As vicious as himself, his texts even forced me further to throw a hell up.   

Nobody at home, lonely by myself, completely lost, I just made a wish if I am enough to just request for another chance begging the fate to leave her with us. Just me and my God knows what I’ve gone through in those dark moments ,absolutely numbed ,just blocked my ex, disgusted from his texts,  I got prepared to leave the house as I was supposed to pick my kids up. It started to rain; I was reviewing the events all in my mind. On our way home, my son broke the silence by whispering gently, “mom, I had a bad dream for the entire night!”. I asked about his dream; I felt something is off. He replied saying “my sister died of a food poisoning and the entire house was covered in dark.” I looked back in the rear mirror, confirmed my kids’ presence by counting them all, I asked him why you think you had such an odd dream. He did his best considering his age by being honest and right to the point, he nodded his head and stated, “probably, my cousin’ death has affected me if I shouldn’t lie.” I exclaimed who and the world was spinning all around my head. I could not bear anymore. I pulled over. My son gave me a hug and we both cried. My son’s cousin was my childhood friend and my classmate back in elementary school. As we grew older, our paths grew apart, but fate brought us together when I felt in love with her uncle, my ex, many years later in life.

Feeling of a void, crushed from the grief, frightened to lose more, my morning question of death weighed so heavily on my chest and slapped the bitter truth in my face, take it as you wished. Death does not care as how clever you are, where your origin is or how old you are. It does not bother for your dependents or who you are counting on. How much you are loved or even giving love is not an interest to him at all😔life and death are just one breath away, so do not delay if you have a desire. Life is too short to wait to find a purpose, play it along with open ears and eyes, and let it amuse you with all its surprises. Do not waste a single moment of your present by worrying too much about the unknown future or staying in your past, regretting those mistakes of yours or the others. Do not weep on the lost things or people in your life as if they were meant to be, they would have been by now so accept the fact and just move on.

In this school of life, we all are going to graduate but in our definite time; yet there is no guarantee of any time left to enjoy fully after we are done. Don’t delay any further and take an action today and move one step forward even too small towards your desire and to say the words you must share with your world that by sharing your thoughts, your love, you passion, your presence and your authenticity, you may have a positive impact in someone’s life. I am here because I am a storyteller of not fictional tales but practical ones so if I could have survived you may do as well if you just decide and give it a try. We may help each other in one way or another as this universe is all about the care so lets’ have a balance in our give and take so we all could benefit from doing our share.

March 2020 was one of the most devastating months during last couple of years after my nasty divorce. I felt all my past lives karma, all my current life teachers, all my weaknesses and failures were attacking me from the left and right, testing me if I’ve learned my lessons indeed. It sounded like Universe is inviting me to an unfair battle of lecture vs. exam without even giving me a chance to prepare beforehand. Probably you felt the same heaviness on your chest that something so dreadful is approaching but you are so frightened and do not have the courage to confront the issue  for fear of discovering something you won’t want to know and just seeking an excuse to run away as far as possible and you dash and crash, hit the wall so hard that you end up having a concussion!

Being a professional CPA, managing an accounting department of a large restaurant franchise , taking care of three minor monsters as a single mom, maintaining the career, house, school and my sanity in a rushed paced life style in California with support of almost nobody in my life, I was just missing COVID-19 catastrophe in middle of all these joggling balls. Negativity was pouring from everywhere, news media, colleagues, family members and even from my most optimistic friends. However, not to boast about it, I have trained my brain to switch off the button when I don’t need to hear, or to see or even to acknowledge the condition regardless of the magnitude of the situation. So, I was preparing myself and visualizing the positive possibilities of COVID-19 life style in near future, such as homeschooling, working remotely, no more daycare tuition, no more gas and mileages, no more night outs and wasting money, more quality of time with your beloved ones and saving money after all. You know as an accountant we always cook the book, as long as it ties to your expected outlook, we’re off the hook😊

Having my afternoon tea, I was contemplating and challenging myself as what the reasons are behind this breaking the silence and opening up to the public unexpectedly. Some of you may have the same question as well. Is it due to current calamity of COVID-19 with added tautness and the boredom of quarantine so I found a courage to take an advantage of the situation and more people surfing the webs, so I could be seen and heard easily? Is it that I’ve just found more time to invest on my passion for connection which I enjoy the most? Could it be due to the recent personal traumas that I’ve been going through, or is it just a coping mechanism to control my stress impulses in this difficult time? Whatever it is, I may have just had an awakening call right in middle of all these crises, pushing me to pursue an old desire to reach out and to tell about my life stories and the impacts of those events hoping I can plant a seed of change for a little more self-respect and personal growth in each of our minds to believe in ourselves with all of our faults that change is possible when our souls desire. I’ll leave the final judgement to you guys.